the trick to it all is to just keep breathing

my life is just about to go into a whirlwind... i have approximately a week to try and be ready to pass my ISA certification exam. So this week is going to consist of lots of studying and preparing. The following week, I go to Clarksburg, MD for 4 days for a class and the actual exam.

I am trying to decide if I should work 4 -10 hour days and then go home for the weekend. or work 4 - 10 hour days and an 8 hour day of OT and just run home for the day on Saturday to take Rusty home to my mom for the week. Arg .... too many decisions.

So today I went to Dixie Bones with Laurie and Wes and Laurie's folks. It was a real good time but I ate until I was ready to pop... yay sweet tea, bbq, and greens! I stopped by hell... I mean Walmart.. on the way home for some essentials. Then I came home and took a 7 hour nap... now I am catching up on Sunday night TV and soon going to bed.

Also went to the Arlington Cinema and Drafthouse to see Office Space at midnite with some friends. Definately was a good time -- ready to go back... but this time earlier in the day and with a cab ride :). Will have to check the listings to see what all is playing once all of my test prep/test week stuff is over.

So that was my weekend in a nutshell.... should have studied more/ gotten more done... but I seriously just needed to relax. Now to get back on track and pass this test. So I think I did pretty well considering 9 hours of my Saturday were spent making up work hours I missed last week due to my work truck starter going to hell mid week after a non paid holiday on Monday.

Ok, so now a few more minutes of TV... then off to bed for me.

ever just feel a little crazy?

not quite sure how to explain myself... i am so worked up over the WORK truck being broken. all it is -- starter. me-- falling apart. I am not leaving here til 7 today... no sense in playing the hurry up and wait game that I am so known for getting sucked into. So at least my mind is still functioning.... but I still don't get my frustration with the work truck dillemma. really should be a case of ... ok it is broken, they will fix it, all will be ok. instead i'm obsessing. HMPH! (sinks into bed and wallows in self pity). wow, i really am feeling a little crazy. Hoping that once the thing is fixed, I can go about my normal everyday routine. I think my main concern in all of this is getting the truck later in the week. I am having to commute in my car til i can sort all of this out. mind you i don't mind driving mine at all... however there is that whole thing of i get a work truck to commute and i don't want to burn my personal gas in my personal vehicle to get to and from work when i don't have to.

ok so maybe this explains it all. maybe by this afternoon i will again feel sane.

truly all i really want to do is curl back up with the three dogs who have taken up residence on my bed this morning and call it a day already! but gotta get moving and gotta get productive!

(chuckles to self) mmmmm.... bed

damn being all responsible and stuff! :-P

so yeah... it is V day... big friggin' deal

today in a nutshell.... or at least the not so long extended version... is that an oxymoron?
well any how... started the day way to friggin' early... 6am... started making a spreadsheet for work data. left for real work... continued to update computer data once in the field. listened to lots of mushy/bullshit songs and radio talk about the holiday... you know... if it were such a big deal i would have had the day off. so shut up already was all i could muster. so instead of having an easy happy go lucky morning... i have lots of meaningless trudging in the snow. oh course i busted my ass.... well hand mostly. Then I got strung out on dunkin doughnuts coffee and tried to answer phone calls. i also got stopped by a disgruntled customer. bah! so much for my productive happy day... icing on the cake was the damn traffic on 495.... stupid twitterpated folks just trying to rush home so they can make some meaningless gesture of "love" so they can get some.... woo hoo.... friggin' fools.

that's ok... i'm gonna go anti celebrate w/ some friends in a while.... which will likely mean driving.... oooooohhhhh driving.... hehe. it is truly the small things in life... so while all of you are out there being mushy .... i will be entertaining myself just fine.... yay driving...hehe

5years

five years can seem so litte or so much. i sit here somewhat unsure as to what it is exactly that keeps me up. however ... i know exactly. why did he have to go? why am i still here? what exactly does it all mean? i cry. but i cry for me. tear by tear ... i know it is all self pity. selfish wishes my best friend was still here. how exactly do i explain this to myself? a blog... not exactly where you put this sort of thing.... yes? however i feel so alone sometimes that i drive myself crazy. occasionally i feel i connect with people. it really is all in vain... guess i am broken/not deserving/pathetic. however i do carry on... yeah i have friends family and such. but seriously how much is it that anyone truly cares what it is that plagues my somewhat fucked up train of thought? maybe i am just what i am... maybe i am nothing i want to be. seldom do i ever really have the answer to any of this. all i know is he is not here for me to share anything with any longer. yeah we fussed and fought like any brother sister match... however when it all was said and done... there was no fuss no fight. just each other and that is all that really ever mattered. wish it was all that simple now. i miss him. he is gone. and i must deal. which may be something i never truly did. however, life without him has been difficult. i have since tried to make things work... seldom do they ever. disfunctional at best am i. i try for normalicy... i try for all that i want... however best i can hope for is what life leaves me with. even when i find myself staring at life point blank. i am reminded by this and that daily. i know i carry with me his spirit and his memory. but sometimes that truly is not enough. so i just sit and cry... weak... confused ... and thoughtful. now i just pray for the tynenol pm to kick in ... to allow me to sleep. only a few minutes and it will be the anniversy of his passing. i am not even sure why this is hitting me this hard? five years? is it really all that big of a deal? do i really want to sit here and cry... well i have been crying for weeks. does this mean i will continue to cry? or will i be able to let it go now and just be. can my life jump start itself? is this the first day of the rest of my life? no telling really ... only time will and can tell. i want some closure. can i be strong enough to let the ghosts rest or will i continue to be haunted by memories and self pity? i want him here for me ... full well knowing he is where he is not suffering or hurting. i hope tonight is the last of this pity fest... that maybe crying will not be how i continue to deal with this. however i do not want to ever forget him.... just to appreciate all that he taught me and all the time i did have with him. how hard is it for me to request any of this?

**i do appoligize to anyone who keeps up with the blog... this is purely my way of getting my feelings out. writing is one of my few forms of outlet that i have left. **

here's to just getting back to normal after a week of chaos.... lifts hypothetical beer even though i put mine down hours ago.... sleepy time does approach finally ... i can feel my feet getting cold... sure sign of on coming sleep. good night and sweet dreams to all.