5years

five years can seem so litte or so much. i sit here somewhat unsure as to what it is exactly that keeps me up. however ... i know exactly. why did he have to go? why am i still here? what exactly does it all mean? i cry. but i cry for me. tear by tear ... i know it is all self pity. selfish wishes my best friend was still here. how exactly do i explain this to myself? a blog... not exactly where you put this sort of thing.... yes? however i feel so alone sometimes that i drive myself crazy. occasionally i feel i connect with people. it really is all in vain... guess i am broken/not deserving/pathetic. however i do carry on... yeah i have friends family and such. but seriously how much is it that anyone truly cares what it is that plagues my somewhat fucked up train of thought? maybe i am just what i am... maybe i am nothing i want to be. seldom do i ever really have the answer to any of this. all i know is he is not here for me to share anything with any longer. yeah we fussed and fought like any brother sister match... however when it all was said and done... there was no fuss no fight. just each other and that is all that really ever mattered. wish it was all that simple now. i miss him. he is gone. and i must deal. which may be something i never truly did. however, life without him has been difficult. i have since tried to make things work... seldom do they ever. disfunctional at best am i. i try for normalicy... i try for all that i want... however best i can hope for is what life leaves me with. even when i find myself staring at life point blank. i am reminded by this and that daily. i know i carry with me his spirit and his memory. but sometimes that truly is not enough. so i just sit and cry... weak... confused ... and thoughtful. now i just pray for the tynenol pm to kick in ... to allow me to sleep. only a few minutes and it will be the anniversy of his passing. i am not even sure why this is hitting me this hard? five years? is it really all that big of a deal? do i really want to sit here and cry... well i have been crying for weeks. does this mean i will continue to cry? or will i be able to let it go now and just be. can my life jump start itself? is this the first day of the rest of my life? no telling really ... only time will and can tell. i want some closure. can i be strong enough to let the ghosts rest or will i continue to be haunted by memories and self pity? i want him here for me ... full well knowing he is where he is not suffering or hurting. i hope tonight is the last of this pity fest... that maybe crying will not be how i continue to deal with this. however i do not want to ever forget him.... just to appreciate all that he taught me and all the time i did have with him. how hard is it for me to request any of this?

**i do appoligize to anyone who keeps up with the blog... this is purely my way of getting my feelings out. writing is one of my few forms of outlet that i have left. **

here's to just getting back to normal after a week of chaos.... lifts hypothetical beer even though i put mine down hours ago.... sleepy time does approach finally ... i can feel my feet getting cold... sure sign of on coming sleep. good night and sweet dreams to all.